From Personal Experience
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: Seven of Nine and Chakotay have a debate about the ethics of mind-tampering. (Tag to "Memorial.")


**A/N: I was baffled by Chakotay's stance on the alien device at the end of "Memorial"…until I re-watched "The Fight." Thus, this scenario was inspired. **

**I don't own "Star Trek: Voyager."**

* * *

By the time Chakotay's daily rounds had him on his way to Astrometrics, he'd given up on trying to hide his fatigue; it was clear by now that half the ship hadn't gotten half their eight hours the previous night. It was just yesterday that Voyager had discovered the alien "memorial" down on that planet, and linked it to the mysterious flashbacks that had infected half the crew. And then Captain Janeway—to many crewmember's chagrin—had ordered the device to be _repaired_. At least she'd also had a beacon placed in the planet's orbit, to prepare any passing ships for what would happen if they got too close, presumably allowing them to choose whether or not to partake in that "learning experience." As First Officer it was Chakotay's duty to support the captain, on the surface; but that didn't change the fact that all that "memorial" deserved—as far as he was concerned—was a torpedo blast.

He entered Astrometrics to find Seven working as if it were any other day. Which, to be fair, it pretty much was; alien brainwashing wasn't a rare occurrence for this ship.

Seven glanced over her shoulder and greeted him with her usual, "Commander."

Chakotay nodded. "Seven."

They went through the usual exchange of information. If Seven noticed the circles under Chakotay's eyes or the exhaustion in his voice, she didn't acknowledge it. It almost angered him, how perfectly well-rested and unaffected she seemed.

"There's one other thing," Chakotay said politely. "Neelix is putting together a counseling session for the crewmembers who were affected by that alien device."

"The memorial." Seven replied.

Chakotay was silent, just for a beat. "Yes. He was wondering if you might help him out. He says you were able to give him some good advice when he needed it, since you've struggled with guilt yourself."

Seven still wasn't in the habit of smiling, but her eyes conveyed genuine empathy. "Tell Neelix I'm willing to help the crew any way I can."

Now that was a thing to hear, from Seven of Nine.

Chakotay smiled. "I'll tell him."

Seven added, "Naomi Wildman is producing 'get well' cards for the crew. If permissible, she can accompany me, and distribute them."

Chakotay chuckled. "I think that might brighten everyone's day."

Fortunately, it seemed that the "memorial" only targeted adults. Naomi, and—by a lucky coincidence—her mother, had both been passed over by the device.

"She is taking personal requests," Seven said. "Captain Janeway requested a picture of her Irish setter, and Naomi agreed. Is there something I can recommend for yours?"

"I'll have to give it some thought," Chakotay said. Then, still holding onto a bare hint of his diplomatic smile, he added, "Maybe a picture of Voyager phasering that device."

Seven gave him a strange look. "Commander?"

Chakotay was rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry Seven, that was out of line. I'm not quite—"

"You believe the memorial should have been destroyed?"

It was really irritating him, how she kept calling it a "memorial." He lowered his hand to his hip, and worked to come up with a professional-sounding response. But Seven's expression was distracting him. She looked genuinely perplexed by his comment, almost offended.

"Commander, I would have thought that you, of all people aboard this ship, would have supported the purpose behind that device."

He looked at her under knitted eyebrows. "_I of all people_?"

"You were Maquis. You saw your home-world and others massacred by the Cardassians. In addition you are a member of a First Nations tribe. I have observed you to sympathize with oppressed peoples in various situations. One would think you would be pleased to know that this civilization developed such a precise method of preserving that aspect of history."

Now it was Chakotay's turn to stare at Seven like she had lobsters coming out of her ears. "Under any other circumstances I would, Seven. But this is a little different. Maybe if you'd gone through what Tom, Harry, Neelix and I have, you—"

"I _did_ receive memories from the device."

Chakotay stared at her. "You have?"

"Yes. I saw myself as a devoted soldier. I committed the murders on 'auto-pilot.' And began to suffer the effects of guilt while watching my commanding officer vaporize the bodies."

His eyes swept around her face. There was no indication that's she'd suffered any of the trauma or stress that he and the others had.

"I'm sorry," he said awkwardly. "You do a good job at hiding it, when you're stressed."

"I was never 'stressed' during this incident, Commander. This experience is not new to me. I have been dissecting feelings of guilt for over a year now. The only difference between these false memories and my memories of committing atrocities as a drone is that in this instance, I could rest assured it hadn't really been me committing those acts." Her face settled. "Perhaps some members of this crew simply aren't used to being 'on the other side of the gate.'"

"Of the fence," Chakotay corrected her, with an edge in his voice. "Look Seven, I won't argue you've probably got it worse than anybody else on this ship," She raised an eyebrow at him, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. "But you're not the only one onboard who's dealt with guilt. I did some questionable things when I was with the Maquis. I said some questionable things to my father the last time I saw him. And if you want to review the 'Tuvix' incident in the ship's database, I can assure you, we all felt like we had someone's blood on our hands."

"If the feeling of guilt is nothing new to you, then what—?"

"Seven," Chakotay blinked slowly. "Do you remember last year, when Voyager was in Chaotic Space? You were in sickbay, weren't you?"

"I was."

It was like he was asking her about a diagnostic.

Mustering all of his patience, he asked, "And while you were there, listening to me…hallucinate, did you feel…anything?"

She gave it a passing thought. "I was reminded of the incident where my cerebral cortex was infected by the vinculum, and I developed multiple personalities. _And_ of the hallucinations I experienced when Voyager traveled through the Mutura class nebula. I enjoy losing control of my mind as much as you and Commander Tuvok. But that, too, is not a new experience for me."

"You spent eighteen years as a drone," Chakotay remembered.

"Precisely."

Chakotay cleared his throat. "So, because you've had this happen to you before, you don't think it's a big deal to have your mind invaded by complete strangers?"

Seven and Chakotay were matching each other's growing irritation.

"Obviously it's a 'big deal.' But in this case the intent was not malicious, nor the effect permanent. I believe your misplaced phobia is clouding your judgment."

He blinked at her. "My 'phobia?'"

"Of insanity."

_Now_ he was pissed. But Chakotay, being Chakotay, was determined not to show it.

"Who the hell told about _that_?"

"No one. It's simply an observation. You don't react when Voyager comes under fire from hostile ships, and you're eager to lead dangerous away missions. Yet I recall you expressing apprehension and anxiety when Tuvok retrieved you from the Vori brainwashing program. The Doctor tells me that that incident, along with Chaotic Space, your brainwashing by the Cooperative, and the time aliens invited our dreams are the only instances where you appeared, 'more fretful than Crewman Teffler.'"

"So it was the Doctor who told you."

Of course. Seven and the Doctor were close friends. Apparently doctor-patient confidentiality only applied to medical conditions, not the patient's reactions.

"The Doctor mentioned it once, when consoling me during my recovery from the vinculum." Chakotay's rage momentarily vanished. "I recall him saying that you feared inheriting a family illness," she promptly explained, "We were discussing all the instances where senior officers have suffered mental breakdowns or alien possession. It seems to be a startlingly common hazard aboard this vessel."

"Agreed." Chakotay pursed his lips. "So, knowing all that, you still think this—'memorial' should stay up?"

Seven's jaw tightened, just slightly. "Yes. From my experience, I can say that there are few methods for encouraging empathy and preventing cruelty, more effective than memories."

"And from my _personal experience_ I can say that inducing hallucinations in someone _is_ cruel, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

Seven was silent, but didn't look swayed. Finally she said, "The bodies were vaporized. All other evidence of this massacre was likely eradicated by its perpetrators. This memorial is necessary to ensure that the truth is preserved. You, at least, can take comfort in the fact your discomfort served a purpose."

"When did you become such a passionate debater?" Chakotay asked dryly.

"I'm simply repeating the advice the Doctor gave me after Voyager came through the Matura nebula. He told me that my suffering had not been in vain. I saved the entire crew during that ordeal. Much as you did in Chaotic Space."

Chakotay had no rebuttal, but she hadn't come close to changing his mind.

He decided he'd had enough of this conversation. Fiddling with his PADD, he said flatly, "Neelix will be holding that first counseling session tonight in the mess hall, at 0800 hours."

"I will see you there." Seven said.

Chakotay wasn't sure he wanted to see her for the rest of the day.

He nodded cordially. "Nothing further."

She turned back down to her work. After the doors hissed behind him, he paused, half-tempted to go back in and continue the debate, but resisted the urge. Even if he hadn't been the First Officer, he didn't want to appear as if she'd gotten to him. By the time he reached the turbo-lift, he was wondering how long Seven had been making "observations" about him. He shook the thought away and shut the doors.

* * *

**A/N: I haven't seen "Memorial" in a while. But I reviewed some screen caps on Trek Core, and didn't see Seven of Nine in the briefing room, when the senior staff debated whether to deactivate the memorial or rejuvenate it. So I see no reason for Seven to know in advance what Chakotay's stance on the device was. If I'm mistaken, my apologies. **

**Special thanks to Memory Alpha (the canon "Star Trek" encyclopedia) and "The Voyager Companion" (by Paul Ruditis), which I regularly rely on for information for my fanfics. **

**Just in case there's any confusion among my fellow C/7 shippers, I operate under the assumption that Seven and Chakotay took a while to start warming up to each other, much like Tom and B'Elanna. (As opposed to the idea that they secretly admired each other from the start.) I love C/7 but despise "love at first sight." **

**Next chapter of "The Silver Bird" may take another day or two, as I work out certain elements for the new turn the story is taking. **


End file.
